One of the best books I have read about abuse is “Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)” by Lundy Bancroft. Mr. Bancroft has worked with abusive men for over fifteen years, and is a former codirector of Emerge, the first program for abusive men in the United States.
His book exposes the myths about abuse, such as “He was abused as a child, so that’s why he acts this way.” In reality most of these myths are really just excuses. Some abusive men were abused as children. Some were not. And some men who were abused as children are not abusive.
Bancroft discusses the real reasons why men are abusive. Such as,he feels entitled. He is controlling and manipulative. And strangely enough, he confuses love and abuse.
I had not realized before reading this book that abusers come in different types. The ‘Red Flags’ are fairly similar, but personalities can vary greatly. Some men may fit into a few categories. Bancroft labels them as:
1. The Demand Man (highly entitled, exaggerates his own contributions, your needs cannot conflict with his, if he is unhappy it’s your fault)
2. Mr. Right (feels intellectually superior, opinionated, has all the answers, if you disagree with him you are ‘mistreating’ him)
3. The Water Torturer (believes as long as he stays calm it’s not abuse, can easily convince other’s that you’re the one with problems, knows exactly how to get under your skin. He is smug, may mimic you, or be sarcastic.)
4. The Drill Sargeant (controls your every move, he must be central in your life, everything must be done his way. He may have trouble getting along with others, have mental health issues, or was severely abused as a child.)
5. Mr. Sensitive (analyzes how your mind and emotions work, he needs emotional catering, expects you to be grateful that he is not a ‘macho man’, blaming, and selfish)
6. The Player (good looking – or thinks he is, flirtatious, cheats, sees women as tools to use, his sexual needs are more important than you)
7. Rambo (uses strength and force to control others, homophobic, females are weak and inferior, you are a trophy)
8. The Victim (he’s not responsible for his actions – it’s someone else’s fault or his past, if you criticize him you are contributing to his unfair life)
9. The Terrorist (your life is in his hands, children are tools to make you obey, he enjoys seeing you fearful. Usually he has severe psychological problems.)
Chances are that each of us will be affected by abuse at some point in our lives. Whether we will know someone or experience it ourselves, this book is mandatory to understand the aspects of abuse and how each one of us can help to lessen the occurance of it in our communities.
One of the best books I have read about abuse is “Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)” by Lundy Bancroft. Mr. Bancroft has worked with abusive men for over fifteen years, and is a former codirector of Emerge, the first program for abusive men in the United States.
ReplyDeleteHis book exposes the myths about abuse, such as “He was abused as a child, so that’s why he acts this way.” In reality most of these myths are really just excuses. Some abusive men were abused as children. Some were not. And some men who were abused as children are not abusive.
Bancroft discusses the real reasons why men are abusive. Such as,he feels entitled. He is controlling and manipulative. And strangely enough, he confuses love and abuse.
I had not realized before reading this book that abusers come in different types. The ‘Red Flags’ are fairly similar, but personalities can vary greatly. Some men may fit into a few categories. Bancroft labels them as:
1. The Demand Man (highly entitled, exaggerates his own contributions, your needs cannot conflict with his, if he is unhappy it’s your fault)
2. Mr. Right (feels intellectually superior, opinionated, has all the answers, if you disagree with him you are ‘mistreating’ him)
3. The Water Torturer (believes as long as he stays calm it’s not abuse, can easily convince other’s that you’re the one with problems, knows exactly how to get under your skin. He is smug, may mimic you, or be sarcastic.)
4. The Drill Sargeant (controls your every move, he must be central in your life, everything must be done his way. He may have trouble getting along with others, have mental health issues, or was severely abused as a child.)
5. Mr. Sensitive (analyzes how your mind and emotions work, he needs emotional catering, expects you to be grateful that he is not a ‘macho man’, blaming, and selfish)
6. The Player (good looking – or thinks he is, flirtatious, cheats, sees women as tools to use, his sexual needs are more important than you)
7. Rambo (uses strength and force to control others, homophobic, females are weak and inferior, you are a trophy)
8. The Victim (he’s not responsible for his actions – it’s someone else’s fault or his past, if you criticize him you are contributing to his unfair life)
9. The Terrorist (your life is in his hands, children are tools to make you obey, he enjoys seeing you fearful. Usually he has severe psychological problems.)
Chances are that each of us will be affected by abuse at some point in our lives. Whether we will know someone or experience it ourselves, this book is mandatory to understand the aspects of abuse and how each one of us can help to lessen the occurance of it in our communities.
Wow I did not know there were so many different types. Is it possible for the man to be more than one type?
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