Very few, if any, relationships start out abusive. Most abusive men are extremely charming and pleasant in the beginning. So how can you avoid an abusive partner? The following list, in no particular order, are Red Flags that every woman should look for when dating. If you recognize even a few of these behaviors be cautious! Chances are you have not seen the true side of him yet.
1. What Does He Say About His Past? He speaks disrespectfully about former partners. He may tell stories about mistreating others or getting away with something. Listen to what he is really saying, not the spin he puts on the story to make himself look good.
2. He Is Disrespectful Towards You Teasing, sarcasm, ridiculing your opinions, and putting you down are subtle warning signs.
3. He May Be Overly Generous When he buys you expensive gifts, takes you on lavish vacations, or does big favors for you, he may seem like a dream come true. But abusers are, in fact, creating a sense of indebtedness. He tries to "buy" you with money or service.
4. He Is Possessive Especially during the teen years, some jealousy is normal. But feelings are different than actions. If he starts to act like he owns you by yelling at you for talking with another guy, checking up on you several times a day, or needing to be with you constantly, this is a sign that he considers you his treasured property. Not an individual person.
5. The Relationship Is Serious Too Quickly He will profess his love right away. This can leave a woman feeling that she really is special. However, abusers usually have shallow emotions. He may put on a good act. But a man who can fall in love with his 'one and only' in two weeks can also get over her just as quickly.
He may also pressure her for sex.
6. He Abuses Drugs Or Alcohol Or Is Addicted To Porn Although none of these behaviors cause abuse, they can go hand in hand.
7. He Is Entitled And Self Centered Watch for subtle signs. Does he have to be the center of attention in a crowd? Does he control the conversation? Does he listen? Does he get angry if things don't go his way? An abuser feels he has the right to do whatever he desires.
8. Double Standards He has different rules for his behavior than for yours.
9. He Has An Explosive Temper And Is Intimidating He can go into a rage in an instant. When he is angry he may drive recklessly, throw things, punch a wall, block your way, get in your face, or hurt you.
10. He Is Attracted To Vulnerability Abusive men are not usually attracted to assertive confident women. They seek out women who are insecure, shy or who have been through a traumatic event. This ensures that they have control.
11. Nothing Is Ever His Fault He will blame you for his bad behavior. Lying, cheating, and raging are not his fault. He will always blame other people or circumstances. He may eventually apologize but it is usually because he does not want you angry or sad, not because he recognizes that he did something wrong. He cannot take criticism.
12. Isolation Of Interests And People He will encourage you to see your friends or family less, drop hobbies and interests. If you are married he will not allow you to work or go to school.
13. Treats You Differently Around Others He may act unusually cruel or extra sweet towards you when others are present.
14. Moody He can be fun and upbeat one minute, then suddenly become angry and cold. You never know what will set him off.
15. What Is His Reputation? If he has a two-sided reputation; good and bad, your risk is high. This usually means that some people have only seen his charming side. Others have seen a temper or a womanizer.
16. Is He Cruel To Animals? Does he kick the dog? Has he swerved to try and run over a cat? Pay attention to how he treats animals and children.
17. How Does He Make You Feel About You? When a man tells you he loves you and he always wants to be with you, you feel special. But actions speak louder than words. Does he treat you right? Does he care about your goals? When you run into someone he knows, does he introduce you? Does he always walk ahead of you? Does he flirt with other women in front of you? Is he impatient with you? Are you expected to read his mind? Do you feel that he is superior to you?
16. Is He Cruel To Animals? Does he kick the dog? Has he swerved to try and run over a cat? Pay attention to how he treats animals and children.
17. How Does He Make You Feel About You? When a man tells you he loves you and he always wants to be with you, you feel special. But actions speak louder than words. Does he treat you right? Does he care about your goals? When you run into someone he knows, does he introduce you? Does he always walk ahead of you? Does he flirt with other women in front of you? Is he impatient with you? Are you expected to read his mind? Do you feel that he is superior to you?
References:
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). “How Abuse Begins”. In Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men). (pp. 114-123)New York , NY
Carver, Joseph Ph.D. (2003). “The Loser – Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser.” http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). “How Abuse Begins”. In Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men). (pp. 114-123)
Carver, Joseph Ph.D. (2003). “The Loser – Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser.” http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Domestic violence, or the more current term, family violence, may seem as simple as a woman simply needing to leave her man. However, it is not as simple as that. What do you suggest as some possible ways to seek out help as a victim and as an advocate? Also, the term domestic violence is highly associated with man on woman violence. Are there any obvious signs or "red flags" such as these that can show an abusive woman?
ReplyDeleteKristin,
ReplyDeleteWonderful question! Domestic violence can occur in any relationship; heterosexual or homosexual. And, yes, the man is sometimes the victim. However, studies have shown that 85 percent of the time men are the aggressor and women are the victim. (Bancroft,2002)Part of this is due to social roles and expectations. The 'bad boy' image is still acceptable and women believe that they can change their man.
From what I have researched, the 'Red Flags' are nearly identical regardless of gender. Where a man will usually show aggression by destroying property or punching a wall before he escalates to physically hurting his girlfriend; a woman will often slap, kick or punch her boyfriend when she is upset. Although, the physical injury may not be severe, this behavior is unacceptable. The other selfish and controlling behaviors mentioned in the above list are the same.
You are absolutely right that abuse is a complex situation. The 'Stockholm Syndrome' explains why many women leave their abuser several times before they are finally able to break away for good. In my own experience, even though I had been punched, shoved, told I should "go kill myself," told I was "nothing but a burden," etc. I honestly did not know that I was in an abusive situation. I recognized that my husband had a temper and that he could, at times, be extremely cruel. But I also clung to my "knight in shining armor" that I saw when we were dating. I had a list a mile long of all his wonderful qualities. My only complaint -ever- was the way he treated me. And because I was young (16) and insecure when we met, I believed that I just had to do better and eventually he would love and respect me as much as I did him.
It wasn't until my sister urged me to read some material about abuse that I saw the truth of my relationship. I started to recognize all the subtle things he did and said to make me believe he was perfect and I was a failure.
Personally, I believe in keeping families together whenever possible. If the perpetrator is able and willing to take responsibility for the abuse and get help, a marriage might be saved. But this can be a long difficult process. In my situation, my husband refused to accept that he had been abusive in any way. I later learned that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which means he will probably never see that he has any issues.
The tragedy and irony of abuse is that those who need help the most don't even know it! I think education is key. If you have a loved one who you believe might be in an abusive situation, I would recommend referring her to websites or giving her material to read. These sources are more credible and less offensive than if you were to say "You need to leave your boyfriend/husband. He's a jerk!" It took me two years before I read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans that my sister gave me. But once I did, it changed my life.
I appreciate the honesty that you have shared with the community. I agree the key is education. Being as young and naive as you were you would not know or see what your "Knight in Shining Armor" truly was until you were educated. Thanks for sharing and passing the knowledge on.
ReplyDeleteSome of these I found so surprising and didn't even think about before but they all make sense. I can definitely see a guy being attracted to vulnerability but I never thought that if he spoiled you he was trying to make you indebted to him. These are great signs to watch out for and I'll definitely remember these.
ReplyDelete-Sophie
I am amidst the dating world and found these red flags very insightful! Its important to know what to look for! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete