Very few, if any, relationships start out abusive. Most abusive men are extremely charming and pleasant in the beginning. So how can you avoid an abusive partner? The following list, in no particular order, are Red Flags that every woman should look for when dating. If you recognize even a few of these behaviors be cautious! Chances are you have not seen the true side of him yet.
1. What Does He Say About His Past? He speaks disrespectfully about former partners. He may tell stories about mistreating others or getting away with something. Listen to what he is really saying, not the spin he puts on the story to make himself look good.
2. He Is Disrespectful Towards You Teasing, sarcasm, ridiculing your opinions, and putting you down are subtle warning signs.
3. He May Be Overly Generous When he buys you expensive gifts, takes you on lavish vacations, or does big favors for you, he may seem like a dream come true. But abusers are, in fact, creating a sense of indebtedness. He tries to "buy" you with money or service.
4. He Is Possessive Especially during the teen years, some jealousy is normal. But feelings are different than actions. If he starts to act like he owns you by yelling at you for talking with another guy, checking up on you several times a day, or needing to be with you constantly, this is a sign that he considers you his treasured property. Not an individual person.
5. The Relationship Is Serious Too Quickly He will profess his love right away. This can leave a woman feeling that she really is special. However, abusers usually have shallow emotions. He may put on a good act. But a man who can fall in love with his 'one and only' in two weeks can also get over her just as quickly.
He may also pressure her for sex.
6. He Abuses Drugs Or Alcohol Or Is Addicted To Porn Although none of these behaviors cause abuse, they can go hand in hand.
7. He Is Entitled And Self Centered Watch for subtle signs. Does he have to be the center of attention in a crowd? Does he control the conversation? Does he listen? Does he get angry if things don't go his way? An abuser feels he has the right to do whatever he desires.
8. Double Standards He has different rules for his behavior than for yours.
9. He Has An Explosive Temper And Is Intimidating He can go into a rage in an instant. When he is angry he may drive recklessly, throw things, punch a wall, block your way, get in your face, or hurt you.
10. He Is Attracted To Vulnerability Abusive men are not usually attracted to assertive confident women. They seek out women who are insecure, shy or who have been through a traumatic event. This ensures that they have control.
11. Nothing Is Ever His Fault He will blame you for his bad behavior. Lying, cheating, and raging are not his fault. He will always blame other people or circumstances. He may eventually apologize but it is usually because he does not want you angry or sad, not because he recognizes that he did something wrong. He cannot take criticism.
12. Isolation Of Interests And People He will encourage you to see your friends or family less, drop hobbies and interests. If you are married he will not allow you to work or go to school.
13. Treats You Differently Around Others He may act unusually cruel or extra sweet towards you when others are present.
14. Moody He can be fun and upbeat one minute, then suddenly become angry and cold. You never know what will set him off.
15. What Is His Reputation? If he has a two-sided reputation; good and bad, your risk is high. This usually means that some people have only seen his charming side. Others have seen a temper or a womanizer.
16. Is He Cruel To Animals? Does he kick the dog? Has he swerved to try and run over a cat? Pay attention to how he treats animals and children.
17. How Does He Make You Feel About You? When a man tells you he loves you and he always wants to be with you, you feel special. But actions speak louder than words. Does he treat you right? Does he care about your goals? When you run into someone he knows, does he introduce you? Does he always walk ahead of you? Does he flirt with other women in front of you? Is he impatient with you? Are you expected to read his mind? Do you feel that he is superior to you?
16. Is He Cruel To Animals? Does he kick the dog? Has he swerved to try and run over a cat? Pay attention to how he treats animals and children.
17. How Does He Make You Feel About You? When a man tells you he loves you and he always wants to be with you, you feel special. But actions speak louder than words. Does he treat you right? Does he care about your goals? When you run into someone he knows, does he introduce you? Does he always walk ahead of you? Does he flirt with other women in front of you? Is he impatient with you? Are you expected to read his mind? Do you feel that he is superior to you?
References:
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). “How Abuse Begins”. In Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men). (pp. 114-123)New York , NY
Carver, Joseph Ph.D. (2003). “The Loser – Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser.” http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). “How Abuse Begins”. In Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men). (pp. 114-123)
Carver, Joseph Ph.D. (2003). “The Loser – Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser.” http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
